Kindergarten Warfare
by breadsticks
Summary: Tsuna-chan is a kindergarten teacher. His attention is often divided up into his beloved students, his beloved ex-students, and his grumpy sadistic boyfriend. It's a bloody battlefield.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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It was like beholding the smiling face of Buddha.

_Pa-ping_.

Rays of light shined from one smiling Tsuna-chan. Roses bloomed and doves flew in the air as one kindergarten teacher, Tsuna-chan, kept calm in the eye of the storm around him. The storm, being several kiddies running around screaming their heads off.

_Flick, _and Go-chan's pencils were confiscated from stabbing little Yama-chan.

_Flash, _and Lambo-chan's nose was pressed onto a handkerchief and snottery commenced.

_Fwoom_, and Ryohei-kun was lifted from the floor to stop the EXTREME punishment of Go-chan.

Hibari-chan was sleeping in the hood of his sweater, clutching _painfully _at his hair. Muku-chan was immediately stopped from throwing plastic forks at above said sleeping baby. He wailed at the denial and was scooped up for compensatory cuddling.

Go-chan and Yama-chan stared and began wailing for their rightful cuddling too.

Lambo-chan joined in but for candy.

Ryohei-kun wailed too, thinking it was a competition.

Finally, Tsuna-sensei sat down on the kiddie-safe floor and let all four cuddle him. Go-chan resolutely gripping his mid-section, Yama-chan clutching his left hand, and Lambo-chan patting his sweater for sweets. Ryohei-kun laid down his head on Tsuna-sensei's lap, because he needed a NAP.

Then the door was knocked on, more like bashed on, and it swung open with a force like a thousand storms and in came Dino-kun and Xanxus-kun, first graders, who'd snuck out of class again into Tsuna-sensei's domain.

He gave them a teary admonishing look.

Likewise, Dino-kun reciprocated with a teary pleading look and Xanxus-kun shot him a sulky near-tears angry one.

He sighed and gestured them to the floor.

They sat down and watched him fuss over his students. He supposed he was fine with them, as long as they didn't cause anymore commotion. Really, he was a bit touched they were still so attached to him, their useless kindergarten teacher from last year.

Finally, he signaled for nap time, _and it wasn't negotiable, Muku-chan_, and everyone scrambled for a place near him.

Later on, reading a book, with several cute little kiddies using him as a pillow, he supposed he wasn't really so useless after all.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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"I-I wet my pants!"

"Oh, Lanchia-kun, come here," and Tsuna-sensei gestured for the second grader that _everything was okay_ _and he wasn't mad at all_, as several of Tsuna's chibi students gawked at their sempai being _uncool_.

Tsuna-sensei hurried Lanchia-kun into the Private Spot, a small storage room set aside at the back of the classroom for just these _kinds _of moments, to give him one of the spare emergency pants he always kept around for his students. Lanchia-kun had been one of his most well-behaved students during his kindergarten year and Tsuna-sensei always had a bit of a soft spot for him.

After Lanchia-kun changed and had gotten out from the room, Tsuna-chan immediately ushered him to the Holy Snack Table and he was allowed a cookie of any flavor he liked.

Then as Lanchia-kun chewed on his comfort chocolate cookie, Tsuna-sensei called in his second grade teacher to let him know Lanchia-kun was well. Then Tsuna-sensei dispersed his little chibis into doing their clay-modeling and to stop them from staring in envy.

Lancia sat at the back, near the pile of paints and brushes and paper, watching Tsuna-san praising each sculpture shoved eagerly into his face. He did sort of miss the easy kindergarten life.

But, here his chest puffed out, he was a _man _now. He had to get back. Back to his second grade class, to study and do important Academic Stuff. Because as a man, he must earn a career and support Tsuna-san.

He was sure Tsuna-san would be a wonderful housewife.

Brushing the crumbs off with a sleeve, he waved a goodbye to Tsuna-san and toddled off to the side of Mr. Naito-san, his second grade teacher, who'd just arrived.

As usual, his idiot teacher was waving a set of Heinz Tomato Ketchup packets, yowling something about collecting evidence for the _sake of science_!

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"Hmph." Hibari-chan tucked his arms up against his chest and glared upwards at his flailing Tsuna-sensei, who would not explain _exactly _who Reborn-san was.

Goku-chan and Yama-chan hung back from the two, whispering.

"So, who is Reborn-san?" said Yama-chan.

"I dunno. Heard though that Tsuna-sensei gets gifts from him. Roses and stuff."

They watched Muku-chan sneaking up on Tsuna-sensei and Hibari-chan.

"Hahaha, boyfriends?"

"Idiot! Of course not. Tsuna-sensei would never go out with such a lame guy. I mean, roses. How can you get any lamer?" complained Goku-chan.

"Hmm," Yama-chan nodded in agreement.

They watched as Muku-chan crouched down to ready his pounce on Tsuna-sensei's back.

Then Ryohei-kun joined their conversation, "Ah, don't you guys know? Abe-kun in class 3-A says that he heard that Reborn-san is a Mafia THUG."

They contemplated the _awesomeness _of this as Muku-chan jumped and was slugged on the head by Hibari-chan's retractable umbrella.

"W-wait, a Mafia thug? Aren't they dangerous or something?" said Goku-chan.

"Well, yeah, that's the point," said Ryohei-kun.

"So, Tsuna-sensei is in danger?" said Yama-chan, his eyes sharpening.

Tsuna-sensei had scooped up Muku-chan to inspect the damage while Hibari-chan's umbrella was confiscated. Their classmate's calm explanation of _keeping the peace_ merely sent their teacher into more hysterics. He was consequently prohibited from his regular napping place in the hood of Tsuna-sensei's sweater.

"W...well, I don't think so. I mean, Tsuna-sensei is his boyfriend, right? So, so, it stands to reason that he'd be especially nice to Tsuna-sensei," said Ryohei-kun.

"Stupid lawn-head, Tsuna-sensei shouldn't be hanging around dangerous people, in the first place. And second of all, Tsuna-sensei shouldn't go around with a _boyfriend_-"

"That's right. Tsuna-sensei should be married instead," said Yama-chan, who'd asked his father what marriage was and had gotten a straight, no-nonsense explanation about marriage and a long conservative rant about not having any relationships before marriage.

Here, Goku-chan's face paled. Ryohei-kun merely shrugged.

A Power Ranger Band-Aid later, and Muku-chan was clutching Tsuna-sensei's pant legs and had a sadistic gleam in his eye while he silently gloated at a seething Hibari-chan. Tsuna-sensei meanwhile had caught a snotty Lambo-chan who'd propelled himself at their teacher, trying to _tolerate_ being ignored, and had similarly failed.

Later on, during Snack, there was an unspoken agreement among them about what _exactly_ to do with Reborn-san.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Not mine.

AN: A reviewer asked me how could a five-six year old could fit in somebody's hoodie and the answer is that the idea was that all of Tsuna's students were chibis in kindergarten, about the same size as the Arcobaleno in the canon.

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Chapter 3:

It was a sleek Armani suit and a pair of gleaming Ferrelli leather shoes that stepped off the luxury jet plane and onto the land of the rising sun. Broad shoulders flexed and shifted in fatigue underneath the silk yellow collared shirt, obviously tailor-made to suit his towering size. He loosened the striped black necktie and took the proffered suitcase from the flight attendant. He gave her an amused smirk and, naturally, she blushed and stuttered.

He set off, down the walled and carpeted walkway, a flat tiny blackberry already in hand, as he called his secretary to cancel this month's appointments as he had other business to attend to. He clicked it shut, unmindful of the woman who began to stammer at him about the _importance of_—.

_Pathetic_.

He hated those kinds of people. Indecisive, shy, nervous, hesitant _idiots_.

In his world, it was do or _die_.

And here, here he was on the other side of the world to _do_ his job.

He took out a picture of a smiling Tsuna from his pocket and grinned down at it. Like a shark.

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"And the grouchy Dog ate up all of the muffins, nom nom nom," Tsuna-chan said while his left hand, swallowed up by the bright hand-made sock puppet of a voracious puppy, pretended to devour the play-doh muffins made by the class who sat around their teacher in Story Time.

"He bit them to death," said an awestruck Hiba-chan.

Tsuna-chan flinched and hoped to god that Hiba-chan would soon forget that catchphrase that his student had gotten from the DiscoveryKids video he'd shown them last week.

"My muffins were the best, though, right Tsuna-sensei? All I had to do was watch Bianchi-neesan and do the 'xact opposite," crowed Goku-chan, tiny chest swelled in pride.

"They were all very good, right Dog-san?" and Tsuna nodded the hand-puppy at Goku-chan who squealed and tried to kiss the black snout of the puppy in wonderment. Yama-chan, who sat next to him, grabbed his collar to stop his ever excitable friend. Tsuna sighed in relief at another averted dog-pile and smiled at Yama-chan in gratitude, who responded with a Happy Smile Takeshi Style, eyes closed up in sunny little arcs, mouth up to his ears in a beaming grin.

Goku-chan growled at him. Yama-chan let go, his hands in the air, palm outwards, fingers wriggling, _no trouble here_.

And here, Hiba-chan sat down again, canary printed umbrella being folded and withdrawn as the disruption to the classroom peace was over. Ryohei-kun had grabbed Muku-chan's camouflage green shirt too before he could lunge for the doggie puppet himself. Lambo-chan, closest to their teacher, was drooling on Tsuna-chan's left knee, thinking at the puppet: _Candy? Lambo-chan would like some candy, Doggie-san. _And Tsuna-chan exhaled, thinking: _Thank you, God or Buddha or whoever's up there, for letting me have another day of no bandages and boo boo kisses being handed out._

The kindergarten dismissal bell rang and they all stood up.

He ushered his children to collect their projects and their bags and their coats. The various parents and guardians would be coming in to collect them now. So Tsuna-chan buttoned up Goku-chan's mismatched buttons, tied up Ryohei-kun's untied shoestrings, and gave goodbye hair ruffles to the unwilling Hiba-chan and Muku-chan. Lambo-chan collected his bai-bai kiss and Yama-chan's scarf was pulled on more snugly on him.

And then Dr. Shamal came in, for Goku-chan and Yama-chan because the two lived next to each other and as a favor to his friend, Tsuyoshi Yamamoto. Goku-chan turned up his scrunched nose at the old pervert and swore to himself he would beat up the distateful guy one day. Yama-chan laughed at his friend's face. They left, after Dr. Shamal tried to flirt with Tsuna-chan and whose lab coat was consequently pulled on violently by Goku-chan.

Kusakabe-san came for his nephew Hiba-chan and apologized once again to Tsuna-chan for any trouble his nephew might have given the _kind, caring sensei—_

"Let's go, Uncle. I'm hungry for some meat." And they left too.

And then Chrome-san and Kyoko-san and Haru-san came in to pick up their respective little brothers, Muku-chan, Ryohei-kun, and Lambo-chan. And then they were gone too.

And Tsuna stood in the middle of his classroom and smiled in relief at a day that has passed peacefully. Afternoon clouds lazed through the windows against a backdrop of a blue blue sky, their shadows moving on the floor. And Tsuna began to close up the windows and lock them one by one.

"Tsuna-sensei…?"

Tsuna turned around and there, hiding behind the door like some rejected puppy, Xanxus-kun stood.

"Come in, come in. I'm sorry but my classroom's a bit of a mess. Xanxus...?"

His student from last year slunk in, shame and worry and fury warring in his tiny tanned face. Tsuna tried not to sigh, _oh no…_

Xanxus-kun stopped in front of him and began to sulk at him.

Tsuna sighed internally and began to wrap the scarf around Xanxus-kun more cozily and waited for his usually taciturn student to start talking.

"…Is it true?"

The teacher tucked the last end of the scarf more firmly and patted it. "What's true?"

"VOOIII, buchou-samaaaa~"

Xanxus-kun scowled even more and Tsuna pinched his cheeks into a smiley position. The furrows between his ex-student's eyebrows deepened even more. "It'll get stuck like that, Xanxus-kun."

"It's my stupid butler again."

Tsuna hid a chuckle and, indeed, Squalo-san burst into the room, leather trench coat awhirl.

"There you are, buchou-sama! We have to get going, you're father needs you at his business dinner—"

"Is it true, sensei?" persisted his little interrogator.

"What's true? You kind of have to tell me these things, Xanxus-kun—" said Tsuna.

"That you have a boyfriend! Who's a Mafia!" and here Xanxus-kun stomped his foot onto Squalo-san's expensive dress shoes.

"YEOWCH!"

Tsuna blushed in embarassment, "Y-you shouldn't do that, Xanxus-kun. That must've hurt Squalo-san a lot."

"You're changing the subject!" accused Xanxus.

"Buchou-sama, (_you cocky little bastard_) let me do this-"

"I heard that! Useless butler!"

"STOP!"

And here both Squalo-san and Xanxus-kun quit their argument and turned towards him obediently. That kind of voice you never disobeyed, not unless you wanted a Time Out.

"No more cursing Squalo-san and you, Xanxus-kun, no more name-calling. Xanxus-kun, I really don't think you should be asking me about these kinds of things—"

"Buchou-sama's worried about you, stupid rabbit."

"Don't call him that!" glared Xanxus at his moronic minion.

Tsuna inhaled and the two quietened down again. "…All right. Reborn-san isn't in the mafia, so you have nothing to worry about—"

"It is _true_ that you have a boyfriend!" cackled Squalo-san.

Xanxus clenched his hands and looked up, a to-the-death-resolution in his eyes. "Would you like me to give him an _accident_?"

"Wha-what! Xanxus-kun, don't _do _anything rash! It's just an arranged marriage, for kami's sake, nothing to get angry about." said Tsuna waving his arms around to calm down the kid. _Or so violent about_. Tsuna really hoped Xanxus-kun was just kidding around. He bit his lip, thinking: _After all, Xanxus-kun here might be the actual one to have any connections to the mafia. I mean, 'buchou-sama'?_

"…Explain." Said Xanxus.

"Aaah, an arranged marriage just means that my parents and his parents thought we might be compatible, or good together, and so they fixed a date for me and Reborn to get together and meet each other. Nothing is really set, Xanxus-kun, so you don't have to worry about me. I'm an adult after all," and Tsuna puffed his chest out to get a laugh out of Xanxus-kun.

"…and what about the roses and gifts?" said the ever grim kid. Tsuna really thought Xanxus-kun should lighten up but then again…_That pinched pouting face is really kind of cute_…

Even Squalo-san was listening and watching avidly. _It_ _was like a soap opera or something that that stupid Lussuria always watched._

"Umm, that was just Reborn-san being polite and courteous to me…"

And Squalo-san's cell rang, _oh shit, buchou-sama, we really have to go_, and so saying he grabbed Xanxus-kun and hauled him over his shoulder and ran off. Tsuna's _stop cursing!_ trailed after them.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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Goku-chan threw up onto Tsuna-sensei's brand new tennis shoes.

"G-goku-chan! Are you okay?"

"Dnwrymkaysohppysoidrewup," burbled Goku-chan.

Yama-chan helpfully translated. "He said he was just so happy he threw up. And to not worry."

…_It's just a smiley face on your worksheet, Goku-chan_, Tsuna thought to himself.

The spastic five year old just shoved a thumbs-up gesture at Tsuna's face while Yama-chan laughingly passed some paper tissues to his friend. Tsuna smiled reassuringly at him and Goku-chan sparkled back up at him.

Lambo-chan stood up on the table, _and exactly how he did it Tsuna dreaded the answer_, and sulkily threw his crumpled worksheet at the ground. "I, the cute Lambo-chan, also deserve a smiley face!"

Before Hibari-chan could take any drastic actions, Tsuna quickly scooped up Lambo-chan for a private tutoring about how wiping snot on the worksheet was not the solution for five apples minus one apple.

The rest of his students were sternly ordered to start packing up and to start cleaning.

Tsuna-sensei hurried out to the supply closet a hall away for more tissues.

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Two days ago…

Reborn held up the picture of his fiancé to the hired investigator, "Find me anything about this man. School records, medical files, and a list of his friends, colleagues, and any past lovers, boyfriends or girlfriends. I also want a list of what he likes to do, what he likes to eat, and where he shops at. I also want pictures. Price is not an issue."

The balding middle-aged man, Private Investigator Giannini, took the picture gingerly between his fingers. "Of course, of course. It'll be ready by Wednesday."

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Goku-chan jammed the mop handle into the annoying nuisance that was called Yama-chan, who, meanwhile, was laughing and choking and flailing a cleaning rag at the same time.

Ryohei-chan paid them no mind as he was industriously sweeping in a little dust tornado of his own.

Hiba-chan finally took charge as he threw several blackboard erasers at the bickering pair from his position on the teacher's desk. He'd been, _ehem_, supervising the cleaning when the volatile Goku-chan had exploded at Yama-chan about something called General Jelly Jiggler. Honestly. Then Hiba-chan smirked down at the red armband his uncle had sewn on for him. It said _Disciplinarian Officer_. Tsuna-sensei had been pleasantly surprised (enough to hyperventilate behind the teacher's desk).

Muku-chan meanwhile, was demonstrating the finer points of scrubbing the floors clean by tying the wooden cleaning brushes onto the soles of his feet and skating around on them. He did a pirouette he'd seen on TV, ending in a pose with both arms held up ballet style and his left leg sticking up. Lambo-chan, suitably impressed, clapped.

Hiba-chan decked them too with erasers.

And it was a pile of wriggling, punching, little kids that Tsuna-sensei finally came back to.

And the bell rang.

Tsuna-chan smacked his forehead in exasperation. He'd been gone _for_ _only twenty seconds_ for those rolls of tissue, damn it.

After pulling apart the Gordon Knot of Kindergarteners and fussing and scolding over each one, he had them all line up in front of him. Today was field trip day and after a few more minutes of making sure the classroom was as clean as it could be, they set off for the front doors and to the bus. Other classes were already on the other buses.

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A few days before the field trip, during recess in the playground, Xanxus-kun, who was flanked by both Dino-kun and Lanchia-kun, had approached the current kindergarten class of Tsuna-sensei at their usual place, the jungle gym, with a picture and a proposal.

Xanxus-kun hadn't liked that light blush that had spread across Tsuna-sensei's face during their talk about Reborn. And he was very sure the rest of the kindergarteners wouldn't like it either. And those babies would be able to keep a better eye on the young teacher than Xanxus-kun could right now. His stupid father had adamantly refused to set a spy on sensei. Xanxus-kun had thrown a fit that had lasted the whole week.

After a few minutes of negotiations, scuffling, and a bit of brawling and blackmailing, Xanxus-kun walked away with a sadistic grin.

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In the lush walkways of the botanical gardens they were visiting, their tour guide, Irie-san, was gesticulating wildly and chattering brightly about the culinary and medicinary purposes about the current type of plant on display in clumps around them: the lavender. "…also sometimes candied and used for decoration on wedding cakes…" Irie-san's eyes seemed to sparkle a little bit creepily in Tsuna's direction at the back of the line of little kids.

The young teacher ignored the shiver going up his spine as he tried to keep all of his students in his line of sight. It was surprising that they were behaving so well today. His students usually had the attention span of a goldfish. A particularly dumb and violent goldfish.

Maybe voracious, Tsuna amended.

Still, it made him very nervous. They were planning something. Something big. Something big and prank-ish. Possibly on him. _Maybe on Irie-san_, Tsuna thought hopefully.

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Reborn had found out about the field trip and had decided this to be a wonderful opportunity to watch his future fiancé at work. It wouldn't be hard at all to tag along and not be seen.

It'd be just like work.

And so, donning some striped slacks and a happy smiley face shirt and some black wristbands, he called up his friend, Lal Mirch, at the botanical gardens for a little visit. Lal Mirch, who'd gone legal, certainly wouldn't be very happy to see or even hear from him.

"Well? Is that him? He looks _soft_." Lal Mirch scoffed while crouching behind a particularly large bush of ferns.

Shoved into a lab coat and goggles and gloves, Reborn nodded absent-mindedly as he pruned some rotting leaves on the ferns. He was keeping a close eye on the frazzled young teacher a few feet behind them. They hadn't been noticed. The young teacher was too busy watching his students. It meant he was very careful with kids, which reflected well on him, Reborn thought a little proudly.

Lal Mirch glanced up at him, from the mulch she'd been mixing into the soil of the ferns. And tried not to laugh.

Reborn was pruning thin air as he wasn't holding any of the fronds anymore. The scissors swished back and forth a few inches away from the ferns and Reborn's eyes were clearly still on Tsuna. She wished she had a camera for this. Colonnello would just die of laughter once she gossiped with him later. She wondered if Reborn might accidentally cut himself.

Then taking pity, she smacked him on the knee and said, "I think that little kid noticed you..."

Reborn looked at where she was pointing at and true enough, there was a little baseball-capped kindergartener staring at them. Reborn gave him a dark glare. The little bastard merely grinned back at him.

Hmm…

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Irie-san was still babbling on.

Yama-chan nudged Ryo-chan and whispered, "Hey, it started. That game, you know? From Xanxus-sempai."

Ryo-chan muttered to the others, "…okay, get ready." Lambo-chan was maniacally giggling and Hiba-chan was staring straight ahead, a smirk pulling at the edges of his mouth; and Muku-chan was already grinning sharp teeth at their tour guide Irie-san. Goku-chan was keeping an eye on their teacher but was already excitedly gripping the straps of his backpack.

So, _he _was here.

Tsuna-sensei cocked a head at them, feeling a rise of tension in the air. It felt as if a pack of vicious dogs had suddenly smelled meat and Tsuna didn't even want to know why he suddenly came up with that image nor why he suddenly felt like bait.

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Lal Mirch frowned at the sudden stiffness in Reborn. She glanced at his fiancé, saw nothing, and glanced at the students. Her left eyebrow rose as she recognized the situation at hand. "…Wow. This certainly is my first time being challenged by a bunch of six-year olds."

Reborn frowned at her as well, "…I hadn't realized kids still hated you."

She shook her head at him, "Hey, you can't pin this on me. I'm not the one about to steal their cute 'lil teacher away." She snorted. "You bad, bad man. No cookie for you."

He sneered, "I can take care of a bunch of brats."

She snorted again. "Yeah, right."

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On that narrow dirt path, the line trouped forward ever nearer the two 'scientists'.

Then like dominoes falling, they exploded into action.

First, Muku-chan pelted Irie-san with a paintball gun and took off straight ahead. Their tour guide collapsed, shrieking in surprise. Ryo-chan followed next, shouting about the need for respect at Muku-chan but also stomping particularly hard on the tour guide's glasses that had fallen a few inches away.

Then Lambo-chan laughed loudly and ran in a completely different direction from the first two. He made sure to be a bit slower than normal.

Goku-chan proclaimed his responsibility to look after his cow buddy in an earsplitting shriek and stampeded after Lambo-chan.

And then it was Hiba-chan's cue as he darted forward, avoided a collision with Yama-chan who was helping Irie-san up, and slammed an elbow against the redhead, and rushed after the perpetrator. Their tour guide tumbled into the scratchy plants next to the path and Yama-chan laughed good-naturedly at this.

Tsuna-sensei, blood pressure rising, hauled up Irie-san, gathered the pieces of his broken glasses, and gave it to the dazed young man. In one giant scream, he ordered Yama-chan to watch over the tour guide, demanded Goku-chan to return with his recalcitrant buddy, and bellowed at the two 'guards' to return with the criminal.

Lal Mirch was already running after the child in cow prints.

And Reborn dug his feet into the ground, readying himself for a head-on impact with the first run-away. The little brat wasn't getting away, oh _no_. He tensed his shoulders and knees, ready to barricade the kid's escape. His eyes were intently watching the trio charging towards him.

Muku-chan grinned at him and raised the paintball gun. .

He got beaned on the head by Hiba-chan's thrown shoe. And then knocked over by a rampaging Ryohei-chan.

Hiba-chan slowed down, picked up his shoe, and calmly put it on. He ignored the man in front of him and gestured at Ryo-chan to pick up the convict.

Behind Tsuna-sensei, Yama-chan slowly and smoothly slid the dart gun back into his sleeve, hiding it again into the shoulder holster.

Irie-san had already fainted dead away.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Not mine.

This chapter is dedicated to my sister/beta who's leaving pretty soon for her independent study in who-knows-where. She's been the one pushing (and sometimes guilt-tripping) for this update, screaming at me not to make it too complicated as the genre _is _light romantic comedy. So, I'd like for her to see this chapter before she leaves. Thank her.

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"Wait, wait. Let's practice this one out." Lal Mirch waved her hand out at Colonnello while Reborn ignored both of them, bare-chested while doing push-ups on the ground. He grunted, counting in his head not just the number of sets he'd done but also counting the minutes they were still talking about this. For every minute they continued, he would add a month of planned mental torture against them.

Lal Mirch threw a ballpen at Reborn's head to make him pay attention to their dating simulation demonstration. He barely twitched as it hit and clattered to the floor. She cleared her throat to stop laughing and then simpered in a sickly sweet voice, "So, what kind of hobbies do you have, Reborn-san?"

Colonnello, the blond bastard, sniggered and in a mocking sleazy voice said, "I like to mind-fuck people. _Body-_fuck is okay too. You wanna try with me, kora?" He waggled his eyebrows and they both started cracking up.

Reborn resolutely counted and pushed. Pain would come soon. Yes, excruciating pain would come to impudent meddling bugs. For now, "I haven't realized your IQ's have dropped to that of a five-year old—"

"No, no wait," Colonnello was up to three years already of pain, pain, and more PAIN as he continued, "Not to worry, my little sweetheart, I'm _ve~ery _much loaded. In both ways." More idiotic guffawing from the peanut gallery. Reborn grit his teeth. He hated interrupting his own training regime just to deal with people.

"But! I'm scared of pain, Mr. Reborn. 'Cuz—" Lal Mirch fluttered her eyebrows, "—I've never _really _done it before."

The former Comsubin blond comically widened his eyes and then screamed at her, "Sexual Attack!" He pounced on her and they rolled, shrieking in laughter.

Then the living room door opened and Verde came in, mechanical goggles on his face and a tiny black machine whirring between two fingers. "I did it. I, honest to god, decrypted the effing code on this shit."

He stopped as he stared at the two hyenas on the floor and at the silently-getting-irritated Reborn. He shrugged then ignored the whole scene while babbling about his accomplishment. "It wasn't just a shot of phospho-soda (it's a laxative, Colonnello) but a tracking device too. They misjudged the dosage though." Verde frowned at the incompetency of the tiny machine. "Still, it's a good thing Reborn's got the muscles of a horse or this would have bowled you over."

Colonnello stood up and with a completely straight face opened his trap, "That's not the only thing that's the size of a horse."

This time all three of Reborn's ex-co-workers howled, laughing.

Reborn smiled secretively. Yes, pain was good.

He remembered the face of that smug kindergartener underneath that baseball cap… He had to give it to them, he conceded. It was a well-executed three-pronged attack. One main diversionary strategy had been used against him with a minor mishap aimed at taking out his companion at the time, Lal Mirch. It had also acted as a secondary red herring. But the real crime had been with the solitary kid near both Irie and Tsunayoshi. He'd barely even noticed.

After beating a hasty retreat with Lal Mirch distracting the teacher and his potemayo-sized students, Reborn had suddenly felt dizzy and disoriented. Then he'd started having cramps. He'd been drugged. It was the reason he was training heavily right now. Exercise would move the drug or laxative faster through his system.

"I can't believe that a kindergartener got you. A kindergartener. That's a shitty little six-year old. What the hell were you doing at the time? Ogling your new wife or something?" Verde shook his head, appalled while the dimwit couple behind smirked in tandem.

"Shut up, peacock. Analysis?" Reborn asked.

"Well, it's from that rising group, the Varia. Has their stamp on it, alright," Verde nodded, still squinting at the bug in wonder, "The style is like their Gola Moska generation, which—" and he rattled off the several components frequently used by the Varia but Reborn had shut him out by that time. Verde was an irritating chatterbox who liked hearing himself talk as even Colonnello and Lal Mirch were zoning out in front of the inventor.

It wasn't a listening device, he'd made sure. But it did give away his location which was troublesome. On the other hand, it wasn't his permanent house either. This was an apartment, one of the safe houses he collected. He barely had anything of use here. He decided then. It would be good to let it stay here. It gave no pertinent information to his enemies but it certainly gave him an advantage. He knew they knew he was here.

After kicking out the three loiterers, Reborn had taken a shower.

Reborn wrung his sopping black hair with a towel.

He grabbed his ringing blackberry and held it up to his ear. He listened for a while and said, "…Yeah. I found him…" He nodded a bit more as he listened to the hysterical voice on the phone. He stood then in front of the mirror and traced the large collection of scars across his skin. "…Stop your whining. A deal is a deal." Then he hung up on his annoying father-in-law.

Or future father-in-law, as the case might be.

0101010

A cockroach dangled from the childish fist of Mukuro who was looking at him triumphantly.

Tsuna gulped down the oncoming bile. Face going wan and pale, he stuttered, "W-w-why, it's a, a wonderful p-present, Muku-cha_hyaaa!" _The cockroach loomed closer in his face as Mukuro scrambled forwards and away from the rage of a jealous Gokudera who was declaring that the cockroach had been _his _present to Tsuna-sensei. Tsuna scuttled back as Mukuro stumbled forward and then he lost his grip on the insect which fluttered the short distance and landed on Tsuna's hair.

Their teacher burst out a short girlish scream.

Then Tsuna dry-heaved on the floor as a smiling Yamamoto plucked the insect and held it far away from him. "So, is this our classroom pet?" He held it closer and sniffed it. He opened his mouth and—

"Yama-chan, no!" Tsuna lunged and slapped the cockroach away from being eaten by one of his students.

Yamamoto stared at him reproachfully as Gokudera clung to Tsuna's leg, sobbing apologies to his beloved teacher.

Finally, Hibari stepped up and slammed a glass jar on the cockroach_. _As Hibari wiped the signs of sleep from his eyes and started to take damage control of the classroom i.e. punish the peace disturbers, Mukuro sidled over to Lambo who'd been perched on top of his desk.

He asked excitedly, "Did you get it? Did you, huh? It was awesome, right?"

Lambo sucked on his thumb and looked at him a bit apprehensively. "That was mean. Really mean. Tsuna-sensei doesn't like insects. Lambo-chan doesn't like insects either."

Mukuro scowled at his companion. "Well?"

They both looked around to make sure no one was listening. And finally, Lambo nodded and handed the digital camera back to Mukuro who in turn slapped a bag of lollipops to the brat. He slipped it into his bag on the floor and rubbed his palms together. He liked Tsuna-sensei's face all scared and frightened. And blackmail was always useful. He snickered to himself, "Fufufu~"

Ryohei meanwhile had released the cockroach outside the classroom windows while singing an off-key farewell march for it.

0101010

Tsuna sighed and held up the cage of the hamster up in front of his six students in their desks. "I figured it was time we all got an official class pet," especially after the last debacle with that cockroach. "His name is, um—"

Gokudera's hand shot up, "He's name is General Jelly Jiggler!" at the same time as Lambo who also squealed out, "It's NOT General Jelly Jiggler."

Ryohei perked up from his worksheets as the two in front of him, Gokudera and Lambo, started shoving at each other's faces. "What about Hamzilla? He's fat, it'll make him like that guy on the movies."

Yamamoto piped up, "I like it. Can I eat it?"

Both Lambo and Gokudera turned and yelled out several no's.

"Idiot. A better name for it would be Sir Hamzalot the third," and Mukuro nodded to himself righteously.

Hibari snorted and said, "You stupid fruit, the hamster dislikes that name, see?"

Mukuro turned towards him, eyes hard as flint, "What, you, you—" he floundered a bit for vitriolic insults that would not inspire the teacher's ire, "—you booger! As if you've got any better ideas." He turned up his nose snootily.

Before any fights exploded again, their teacher waved to get their attention and said, "Okay, you guys. We'll decide it on a vote," and he saw their perplexed faces and then explained, "and a vote is like this—"

0101010

They decided on Hamstergeddon.

Apparently because it was fearsomely fat.

Tsuna assigned the feeding and cleaning shifts for Hamstergeddon and allowed them a few minutes before and after class to pet and cuddle with it. He was a bit happy they'd taken to the hamster so well. This would teach them about responsibility over someone's life and Tsuna felt proud of his students who had diligently followed his impromptu lecture on hamsters and politics and duties.

0101010

"What is this?" Spanner shook the plastic bottle of _something _white and cheap-looking.

Tsuna wheezed out, "Yakult," as he hauled his laundry from outside the hallway. Whose great idea was it to put the laundry room of the apartment building all the way down in the basement? Five sets of staircases. It was enough to give him a heart attack. He dumped the bag of clothes by the door of his room and turned to face his roomie, "It's healthy you know?" He frowned at the mess of wires and tools that Spanner had made on their dining table.

The engineer mouthed out the words on the bottle, "Live Lactobacillus casei shirota strain…" He looked up at the teacher in disbelief then stopped. A jolt of lightning ran through Spanner as the brunet made that expression housewives did after seeing their respective spouses making a mess on the floor. It was a crinkle of mouth, nose, and eyebrow in perfect synchronization highlighted by a splash of annoyed pink on the cheeks.

He opened his mouth in automatic, "Will you please marry me?"

Tsuna laughed, a bit uneasy. What was it with people and their jokes? That had been the fifth proposition this week, counting his students too. "Well…no. Sorry. And tonight, you'll have to eat alone. I have to go and meet my fiancé for dinner. He just came from abroad, from Italy."

And then Byakuran bounded into the room with a squeal and jumped onto Tsuna, knocking him onto the floor.

And started to lick the teacher's face, barking happily. He was technically Spanner's Australian terrier but for some undecipherable reason, Byakuran held his owner in acidic contempt but absolutely doted on Tsuna. Wherein every morning Spanner got his fingers gnawed off for a wake-up call, Tsuna got a face-licking.

Spanner hated the dog too. He fed it as much as he could of that horrible pasta-and-meat dogfood.

"Sorry, Byakuran, I don't have any doggy treats right now…" Tsuna said. And that dog_ still _squirmed excitedly around on the teacher's lap.

Spanner sent an icy stare at the dog, "Where did your parents find this Reborn?"

Tsuna hummed while rubbing the base of Byakuran's large floppy ears with his fingertips. "Apparently, he's a friend of a friend of dad's. Ever since I came out to them, they've been really supportive with me (-they switched from setting me up with girls to guys). I hadn't even realized you could have a gay 'modern' arranged marriage," he paused. "At least, that's what mom calls it."

Byakuran had a stupid dreamy smile. He was drooling too, noted Spanner in disgust. Why did he keep that idiot dog around…? Oh, yes, because Tsuna would gut him into three thousand tiny pieces if he threw the dog out.

Spanner sighed as Tsuna finally stood up to toddle off to his room to prepare.

The troubles of having a roommate and a dog continued for the engineer.

0101010

"Here, chocolate," Colonnello handed the ice cream to Lal Mirch as he sat down beside her on the park bench. Their bench faced the maze of roses situated in the southern part of Lal's precious botanical gardens.

They watched the tourists and kids walking about under the blue forget-me-not sky.

The blond started laughing. "God. I would never have imagined Reborn getting serious with another person. Never. It was all one-night stands for him. He always said he never had time for proper relationships."

Lal felt a grin growing even as she ate slowly. "It's like before, isn't it? When I met you and started working with you…I remember I was _always_ distracted whenever you were in the same room. I always told myself it was because you were so annoying. And it's happening to Reborn this time."

Colonnello flushed even as his fingers found Lal's and twined around hers.

"Yeah, kora. I remember. That's nothing, though. Around you, I always felt dizzy and nervous, sooo nervous I thought I would puke every single day. I thought the whole time I was sick." He laughed, sheepishly. "And the shit I pulled to get your attention! At least I only had to deal with the other Comsubin members when I was dating you, yeah?"

Unsaid but acknowledged between the two of them was the fact that they still felt the same for each other all these years.

"Hey, 'Nello. You think we should warn Tsuna that Reborn's a sexual predator on the prowl for young innocent teachers?"

"Nah, let Reborn have his fun, kora. It's the least we can do."


End file.
